A Guide for Developing Parenting Styles

“YOU ARE A LIAR!” Six-year old Jess put the glass down on the table after drinking water in the kitchen, but then he hit it by mistake and the glass fell off. The glass was broken. Meanwhile, his nearby mom witnessed the incident. Sitting in the living room, his father understood that some things fell down and were broken. “Who is it that broke some things again?” he asked. No noticing that his mom saw him, Jess replied: “I didn’t do it.” Then his mom got angry and shouted at Jess: “You are a liar, a liar just like your grandmother!” If you were Jess, what would you think? If you were Jess’s mother what would you do? If you were Jess’s father, what would you do? Why do children lie? This has many reasons. Some of the most common reasons include to attract attention, to be appreciated and to protect themselves. In addition, children tend to lie in order to be able to cope with a situation that makes them uncomfortable, because they are unhappy, and because they are jealous. At times, to attract attention, a child might say “I go to school” although s/he did not start the school, or “We had a baby” although this is not the case. These are very natural, and these small lies told by children should not be considered as lies. These must be considered, most of the time, as unconscious behaviors made to get acceptance from the others. The child starts to come to an awareness and lies more knowingly after s/he is 7-8 years old. So, in order to be able to classify a lie as a lie, the child must be of elementary school age. In return for such expressions of a small child, the better way is to adopt the approach of replying them saying “you are a jokester”, “you joker you”. Children, just like the adults, also need to be appreciated. And they may sometimes tend to lie in order to meet such needs. A child may use expressions like “I drink my milk every morning, keep my room clean and make my bed, and I never make my mom unhappy” in order to achieve his/her teacher’s appreciation. S/he may tell his parents “I am the strongest in school, and I am the fastest song-learner”. S/he may even point a finger at a trinket whenever a guest comes over, claiming that it is her/him who made by carving and coloring it. If you say “well done” to a child who reveals his/her need for appreciation in this manner just to get rid of her/him, her/his lying will be strengthened as the child is rewarded and received a well done for her/his lie. And if you respond her/him using expressions like “Don’t start making up stories again”, “Don’t make up stories, don’t fabricate lies”, “Stop talking nonsense?”, then the child’s need to be appreciated will remain unsatisfied. Instead, her/his need can be satisfied reminding her/him the situations where s/he achieved well. For example, expression like “Did you remember that wonderful ladybird picture you’ve made at the school? Everyone liked it. I just recalled it and I was proud of you.”, “You recite the Our Health poem very nicely, could you recite it for me again? I would like to listen and give a round of applause to you.” will both serve not to strengthen the lie and satisfy the child’s need to be appreciated. Children sometimes tell lies to protect themselves. S/he wants to prevent the improper conduct against her/him. When they say “I didn’t break the glass”, “I didn’t scribble on that book”, “It wasn’t me who got the earrings, It wasn’t me who lost them, I didn’t see them”, these are totally for self-protection. Such lies are particularly heard in families where violence and humiliation are very common. The child, because s/he is afraid of the punishment, always tries to protect her/himself with such lies. On hearing such expressions, it would be correct to use a statement like “Let us talk this together with you, perhaps you might have not remembered correctly”, and adopt a behavior where you tell her/him step by step how s/he should act in the face of such incidents instead of punishing her/him and have her/him repeat what s/he understood once again. Children may also resort to lies when they are jealous of something. For example, h/she might express her/his jealousy with expressions like “I have all colors of this hairgrip but I don’t wear them at school”, “My dad buys me one of these baby dolls but I don’t bring them to school”. If her/his friends respond saying “you are lying” or “you are a liar”, these children resort to crying as a method of self-defense. They instantly cry. It would be appropriate for adults not to exaggerate this subject, and act as if they don’t hear. This situation will lessen as the child grows up, if s/he has no deeper problems. A child suffering a great sorrow may lie as a means of coping with that sorrow. A child who loses her/his beloved grandfather, whose bird dies or is very sad because their car is sold may speak about these losses as if nothing had happened to them; the child may be heard saying that s/he went to the park with her/his grandfather. If the child wishes to talk about it, and if s/he wishes to cry, this should be welcome and permitted. If the child wants to be alone for some time, this should also be tolerated. If the child has deep sufferings, and s/he is suffering a great sorrow, s/he must take psychological advice. A child can sometimes use lies because s/he wants to live something that makes her/him unhappy as if s/he is happy. For example, a child who is not accepted into the games and who is externalized by her/his friends may tell that her/his friends like her/him very much, and that everybody wants to play with her/him. A child who is not so successful in her/his lessons may tell that he gets the highest scores. Facing such an attitude, parents may adopt an approach saying “you may be a bit sad, come on let’s talk about it”. What is important here is to be able to help the child in coping with and producing solution about the incident that makes her/him sad. Here Jess wants to protect himself. He lied in order to protect himself from being criticized or hearing some things that he wouldn’t like. However, there may also be some other concerns here. As Jess’ mom emphasizes that his grandmother also lied might make his dad angry and set the scene for a quarrel between the mother and the father. And this will make things more complex for Jess. That his mom gives an example of his grandmother when speaking about lies may cause Jess to perceive the situation as an acceptable one and adopt telling lies as a means of way out in his future life. Because here we are talking about an adult who might have been taken as an example and she is also someone close to the child and whom the child loves. If the mother’s tagging the child as a “liar” becomes permanent, it might cause the child thinking that “this is what I already am, this is what they already think about me” and accept the incident, thus repeat the same responses in similar situations. Now, from what you have so far read, think how it would be like if your child was in Jess’ shoes, how would you behave?