Remember Me, Shane

My daughter Raina is my life. She is the light in the atmosphere. The very reason to exist. She is so much like me when I was her age. She throws the biggest temper tantrums you can possibly think of. Sometimes she will be rotten to the core. On the other hand she has a heart of gold. If she sees me crying, as she often does, she will bring me the box of tissue and give me a hug. It’s ok mom". I tell her "I know baby.” If I am watching TV. and I laugh, she runs over and laughs with me. Sometimes I lose my cool with her, and have to walk away from her. I know this hurts her feelings. I begin to cry and feel really bad. Raina knows me, and she knows when I walk away that means I need a time out. After a little time, I will go to her, sweep her into my arms and tell her I love her to the end of the earth. She smiles at me and says" I know mommy, I love you". In the mornings when we are getting ready for school, she freaks out when I reach for the hair brush. We have a battle over brushing her hair. I really hate it when we have a bad morning together. I feel bad, and am thinking of her till I pick her up in the late morning. I usually make up for it right away by treating her to an ice cream or something. I know this isn’t always the right thing to do, but it works for me. I learn to pick my battles with her now. For me, being a mom also means compromise. This is a full time job all in its own. She makes me happy in so many ways, I hardly feel it’s a fair game. I get so much more than I give. I have the privilege of waking up in the morning and know that I have this beautiful little girl lay sleeping in the next room over. I get to crack her door open and peek in and see her angel like face glowing in the dim Tinkerbelle night light. The best thing yet is the fact that I get to go in and crawl in bed with her and kiss her little cheek and say "good morning my sweet beautiful girl." She stretches her arms and legs and turns her head in my direction and throws me that smile that I look forward to. That is the best thing. I think of that moment quite often. That magical first morning smile. I see that, and without words I hear her say "I love you mommy". Being a mom also in tells taking public humility. That day I took her into Krispy Kreme Donuts really tested that one. But there is more of that good stuff. On warmer days, I walk to the school to pick her up. She tells me to bring her babies. She has favorite dolls that she plays with. I am the only adult carrying dolls with me. I get a lot of weird faces. I just smile. She is more and more like Shane each day. She is smart and slick. A real joker type. Her favorite thing is to hide things and play hot\cold. I love that game. She shrieks with excitement when you get close to the object you are hunting for. Her laughter fills the entire house and my heart all at the same time. Another reminder that laughter is a very good medicine. I still cry and grieve with each day that passes. I still question Gods actions. But each day still keeps coming, and I thank God for that. Being a mom is a huge job. I would not trade it for nothing. I love my children. I was blessed with the presence of my son for nearly sixteen years. He was here for such a short time, but in that short time he has accomplished a life full of wonderful things. He touched so many people in so many ways. That itself says more than words. I am so very proud of Shane. We will be together again, and I know this. Until that day, I have my memories and my dreams. Shane is forever embedded inside my heart and soul. I get the pleasure of continuing to being Raina's mom. Thank you Jesus. Being a mother means going in her bedroom to clean it, even though I spent an hour yesterday cleaning it. To me, being a mother is all the little things that you do pretty much without thinking about it. The constant wiping of the coffee table and the back sliding glass door. It’s all the times you have to remind the kids to brush your teeth after each meal. The everyday filling of the dresser drawers since Raina is dressing herself now. As she digs out all the clean clothes to match a certain outfit. I can go on and on about so much more. So if anyone wants to ask me what being a mom is, I have quite the mouth full. Bring it on. Being a mother comes with many different titles. Chef, Nutritionist, Councilor, Referee Chaperone Advise nurse Taxi driver, Fixer of small owies. The list goes on...